The "Unpeaceful" Takahina

I call this blog, The True Takahina, cause everything which I write and think here, is true. As simple as that.

Yesterday Takahina went to have a drink with his new band which consist of Nika, Huimin, Benji and Michi after the jamming session. And once again, Takahina had new thoughts and reflections coming out.

Takahina doesn't know why, but ever since don't some days ago, Takahina has been feeling rather unsettled and insecured. Everytime Takahina is alone, he can't help but have some personal reflections and thinking of his own. In the past it's just occasionally, but now it's gradually becoming highly pressuring and worrying.

Takahina had a little pep talk while going back home in the taxi and Benji said something which I felt is very very true.

"Woon Han, you think so much cause you're not at peace with yourself."

Indeed, that sentence and phrase "you're not at peace with yourself" opened up Takahina's realisation of his life which seem to be going at a very wrong pace nowadays.

Takahina is not at peace with himself.

Lately Takahina has been picking up bad habits of all sorts. Drinking, unrestriction to own self discipline, unable to sleep properly, smoking.

Drinking has been getting more and more useless. I like the feeling of being shagged high, meaning you drink until u cannot walk totally straight but you still can think with an acute headache acting right on that brain of yours. But now, I don't feel that high anymore, either it's because I'm now much more tolerant in drinking, if not I'm not drinking enough. I tend to get very red after drinking to the extent of being lobster red, then after a while that feeling disperse, leaving behind that sickening headache which haunts me.

Then lately I don't seem to keep my own life in place, I leave things all over lying around. Even though I don't have my own room but still that is no excuse to properly neaten up my surroundings, especially my working place like my computer area. In camp I don't exactly keep tabs of my things, I have like 7 pieces of underwear in my cupboard and I don't know about it. My jack knife is inside my boots and my white socks can be laid lying on top of my cupboard. I don't keep tabs on my eating habits as well, it's like all the principles and rules I have set to myself is disappearing.

Another problem is my sleep. Youngsters can sleep for perpentually forever if they want to, but Takahina at most can sleep 5hrs, and he'll die die wake up in 5hrs regardless of how late he slept. Just yesterday I slept 2 hours, and I was fully active for the whole day until 5am when I finish my band gathering and reached home. And after that I'm still not contented and went on to have a good view of porn of this JAV actress named Kyoko getting fucked by 2 fat fucks before I submit myself to the horrors of the bed. And it's not like I can just "POM" on the bed and go to lala land. I must like la a little myself before I can sleep. But the sleep was a good one though. 5 hours later at 10am plus I woke up. So for 2 days straight, all I had is 7hrs of sleep to support 41 hours of working period. Benji later commented that I was a monster. I concur.

Also, yesterday I actually had some puffs. I shared a stick with Michi whom is a fellow social smoker. I don't find it too surprising for myself to start on smoking, cause I always believe everyone must learn how to smoke, esp guys cause they have to learn how to socialise and smoking is one of the more efficient ways to click with other people who smokes. But never get to the state of being an addict if not you'll piss off people who is against it. But then, I didn't thought that I'll just pick it up so easily, that is something which I'm quite shocked at.

Something is wrong with my life, I know it. Somehow it's like in a very short short period of time, I managed to pick up quite a lot of the morally "wrong" things in the world. In just a months time, I managed to transform myself and learn of all the "evil" side of the things which I believe a good socially accepted and adapted person should have. And on the otherhand, the good habits which I already have is slowly dissimating from my life.

Only 1 thing still remains, I'm still a virgin. But never mind that.

I'm confused actually as you can see from the few previous posts. I think I'm now entering a transition in life which will determine the adult morals/habits of my life.

Now that I'm entering the third decade of my life, having experienced the working environment, experienced stress in studies, experienced people's kindness and selfishness, witness moral values so preciously taught in school being slowly turned off and peeled away as people grow up, understanding that people's thinking is not what you think. etc etc.

It's like all of a sudden, the last straw to keep my hope for this society is gone. Now all I see, is the everflowing "sins" and "fake" that happens in everyday life. Even though I prolly know that there is really goodwill and true love in this world, but I get more cynical than ever nowadays.

Lust and love, fighting for peace and defending freedom, what exactly is the difference between it? People state so many reasons, put in so many excuses and front just to prove what they said is correct and to achieve and get what they want.

Osama goes around bombing people for a script which has been hailed by Muslims all around and he does it in the name of Jihad. The whole world hates him, but his men hail him. All too often, the 2 opposing difference between the whole world is just a matter of thinking.

Lust is one of the sins in Christianity and yet Christians girls are the most hiau girls you can see around. Christians are friendly, but people often at times mistake their friendliness as either a pester to know more about Jesus or even something intimate.

Some people club and often have flings or even things more intimate, even to the extent of kissing and petting, but to them, it's just a fling. A play play type of business, nothing serious. But to others around, those more traditional thinking, they will find this as a shameless act, being almost equivalent to selling out your body.

Having sex and making love is 2 different things, I can have sex with chickens in Geylang, so to say that the girl whom you just knew and had sex with is a chicken you found in let's say, Zouk? Making love on the otherhand involved feelings, but still involved the penis going into that secret virginal cave involved.

Girls say that are not concerned with the looks of any guy, as long as that guy contains the so called traits that the girls want. But really, who wants to marry an ugly guy? Looks affect the rate in which people get known, like how Peacock attracts female peacock with their tail feathers. In the end, won't the good looking guys still be more popular? That's quite obvious isn't it?

The arguments can go on forever and ever with valid points from both side of the argument, there is no such things as fairytales in this fake and superficial world which we do not want to admit ourselves. Human beings are just mammals with a bigger brain that enabled us to discipline ourselves not to act like animals. Morals are created to keep up with this discipline. Human behaviour is designed to destroy this discipline, human desires are tools akin to helping it, and the many popular things you see out there is served to do so.

So in the end, it creates 2 opposing thinkings in Takahina, do I keep my discipline or let my behaviour just take over? Should I be concerned to what people think or should I continue to be the inconfident little fatty whom they used to look down on or strive to be the wild vain guy whom I'm slowly becoming?

Right now, I feel very bewildered. It's like I'm stuck in the middle and unable to recover from the apparent superficial world which I've so tried to deceive myself is not there and yet still getting overly overwhelmed by the whole scale of it.

I don't feel like the whole world is against me like some microscopic organism, but I do feel like the world have been deceiving me. If not I feel that I have been seeing the world in a wrong view. Maybe I'm also another microscopic organism, should call myself Bacteria in the future.

Boring post, but I really feel I must vomit something out. If not I'll really feel damn emo easily.

These few weeks I could be getting easily emotional, so please bare with me.