The Unromantic Takahina

Last night I spent 3 hours reading Chin Han adventure in Japan...

Frankly I was very touched by his actions and his thoughts (those which you need to key in the password de)... cause somehow his love is very pure and heartwrenching, it's the type which I've wanted for or hope for... but that feel or environment has yet to come ba.

I would have liked to confess to the person I loved face to face but I haven't been able to do it. I don't mind a rejection after all I'm far far away from being a good or even an average guy. I just would like to experience a truly painful and sincere relationship.

This is also partly why I like Japanese love film cause they aren't wishy washy about it. Most of it portrayed to me at least, are sincere and romantic.

But somehow, I'm far from it ba.

I love to think in a very romantic fashion, at least the romantic in my concept. I value more of the feel than the whole show/gesture of it.

I see some good looking guys (at least the more popular ones), they seem to have no problems with handling girls and have them 1 after another. Frankly I despise them. That's why for a period of time, I freaking hated such people and called them sianners.

But I realised... I'm slowly growing into 1 of such... 1 of such whom I used to hate so much.

Ever since my first heartbreak, I've been trying to cover up that pain, maybe I've been hoping for something that can give me back that feeling, so that I can be hurt again. I don't know exactly.

Till now, I don't think anyone can give me that heartache anymore. I started "sianning", hoping maybe I can know someone. But then, I feel that it's wrong... It's just against my behaviour to do so. Maybe, it's just the regret which I had for that first heartache. And really... it's very tiring to change your introvert self to compromise that alternate and pulsating side of yours. I'm very tired. I feel like giving up.

People around me are growing, maybe too fast le ba.

I feel like... just staying at the same ground, and maybe reflect upon what Michi said, "you don't look for love, love looks for you."

Will it really come looking for me? Will I have that feeling again? Can I fulfill this regret of mine?

I don't know... I don't want to 轰轰烈烈的爱一场 but, 因为爱而痛哭一场.

That kind of idealistic love... seems rather impossible. Isn't it?